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Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I"m confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that"s confidential!"
Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed. He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus," send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"......
Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means "Without
Information Fighting Everytime"!
Wife replies, "No, it means "With Idiot For Ever"!!!"
Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a period?"
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away."
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."
A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take
them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer
who owned five male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the
pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmer"s lived sixty miles apart.
So they agreed to drive thirty miles each, and find a field in which to
let the pigs mate.
The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got
up at 5 A.M., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the
only vehicle he had, and drove the thirty miles.
While the pigs were mating, he asked the other farmer, "How will I know if they are pregnant?"
The other farmer replied, "If they"re lying in the grass in the morning,
they"re pregnant. If they"re in the mud, they"re not."! ;The next morning
the pigs were rolling in the mud. So he hosed them off, loaded them into
the family station wagon again and proceeded to try again.
This continued each morning for more than a week. The next morning he was too tired to
get out of bed. He called to his wife, "Honey, please look outside and
tell me whether the pigs are in the mud or in the grass."
"Neither," yelled his wife, "they"re in the station wagon and one of them
is honking the horn."
Working people frequently ask retired peolple what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day I went downtown and into a shop.. I was only there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I said to him, "Come on, man, how about giving a retired person a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a "Nazi." He glared at me and wrote another ticket for having worn tires. So I called him a "doughnut eating Gestapo." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he wrote a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him the more tickets he wrote. Personally, I didn"t care.
I came downtown on the bus, and the car that he was putting the tickets on
had a bumper sticker that said "Obama in "08."
I try to have a little fun each day now that I"m retired. It"s important to